I am Assfarian — God IS an asshole

by Darwin Bedford 2014-09-27   Email:  darwin@atheists.net

As you can see, my t-shirt says “Your God is the greatest asshole.”, but don’t take my shirt as a personal insult to your God. I believe that there is only one true God, so when I refer to “your God”, I’m actually referring to my God as well, and as well as everyone else’s God. Perhaps my shirt should say “Our God is the greatest asshole.”

I am Assfarian. Assfarians believe that God is an asshole—literally. There are many who believe that God is an asshole—figuratively speaking. If you Google search on the phrase “God is an asshole” you will find a quarter of a million pages containing the phrase. However, we Assfarians believe that God really is one giant, mother-fucking asshole.

Assfarians believe that God created the universe billions of years ago when She exhaled or rather, farted one giant mother-fucking fart. The material of the fart gas was potent with simple living entities. These living entities then reorganized the non-living material and reproduce themselves, then evolved into higher lifeforms—with assholes, in Her likeness.

Assfarians believe that when you die, your spirit returns to the other side of the hole where you live an “internal” life—not an “eternal” life. An internal life is way more blissful than your current life—but it lasts only until God farts again. More on that later.

 

The ideology of “God is an asshole” is probably the fastest spreading ideology of our time. Just yesterday the Google search reported 249,000 pages containing the phrase, and today it reports 251,000. That’s a growth of 2,000 in just one day. Even the dot-com domain name, godisanasshole.com, is taken, and it wasn't me who registered it :(

God’s first fart is referred to as the “Mother Flatulation.” God has not farted since She created the universe, but at God’s speed, She will. God’s farting again is referred to as the “Second Flatulation”. At that time, all the soles that have died and returned home to the other side of the hole will be reincarnated to another external lifeform. The Assfarian scriptures say that at that time it will be revealed as to whether She will ever fart again.

 

God does not really have an ass but rather only a hole. The hole of Her ass is also referred to as the "holy ghost". The ass surface is there but not there, it's just an invisible plain in the shape of an ass. The fart gas is also considered essence of Her too. Together, the hole, the ass surface, and the fart gas are referred to as the "Trinity of God". You just have to have faith to accept all this. The image to the left may help you understand this.

 

 

 

 

If you want to become Assfarian, you need to be initiated into the religion. "Baptism" involves having your ass tattooed. You don’t need to go as far as this man on the left, just a simple Darwin fish will do for baptism. However, the first two commandments in the scriptures are “Thou shalt entertain others" and "Thou shalt be individualistic.” And the more you please Her the more you will be blessed by Her in life and in any future flatulations.

 

 

 

 

According to the Assfarian scripters, the younger your children are tattooed, then the better for them in "reflatuation". Not only in reflatulation but, the sooner your children start to practice Assfarianism, then the greater social status they will achieve—regardless of gender or gender orientation.

 

 

 

 

The fourth Assfarian commandment is “Thou shalt display that you are Assfarian as much as possible whenever out in public.” Besides having your ass tattooed, another good way to display that you are Assfarian is to wear a fake-ass headdress. Or, alternatively, you could wear fake-ass pants. Be sure to decorate them to indicate that you have been baptized.

 

 

 

 

 

 

My favourite song is "Your God is an asshole God", performed by Madeleine and produced by AuntieDiluvian. I insist that you have a listen so be sure to click on the image. I can't wait to meet Madeleine. I hope she lives in East Vancouver because then I know that I will see her at a gig soon. These two are making fun of a popular Christian song which means they are living up to the Assfarian third commandment, “Thou shalt mock and ridicule all other religions.” This song is right up there with John Lennon's song "Imagine no religion" that Humanists love so much.

 

 

God does not want you to flatulate too often because it is not that entertaining to others, so self-flatuation is not encouraged. I found an interesting article on the subject. Click on the image at the left to read it. Anyone who doesn't use the internet as a source of comedy is losing out.

 

My driver’s licence doesn’t expire for a few years, but when I renew it, I want to have my picture taken with a fake-ass on my head. I have utmost respect for this Pastafarian, pictured to the left, who is fighting for my right to have my passport and driver’s licence picture taken with my fake-ass headdress. This guy’s brain is more fried than mine or he has more money—probably both. Click on the picture and you’ll see what I mean. You need to scroll to the bottom of the page and click on (or touch) the YouTube arrow.

 

 

 

The scriptures of Assfarianism are contained on a collection of rusted Peek Frean's biscuit tins lids that I found long ago. They were buried on an old North Vancouver farm that has now been developed into a residential area. The scratches on these lids are legible only with the assistance of God. Some of the scratches have been revealed to me through moments of revelation. In this Mormon church pictured to the left are some rocks that Joseph Smith, Jr., the founder of Mormonism, used to see through in order to transcribe the scriptures of Mormonism. I figure that if I can get my hands on one of these rocks and shove it up my ass then God will enable me to translate the rest of the scratches on the Peak Frean's biscuit tin lids. I don't want to spend years faking that that I am Mormon just to get a chance at obtaining one of the magical rocks so if you can help me that would be great. I know that some of you might be thinking that I can shove the Peak Frean cookie tins up my ass sideways too— hey, that might work too. I'll let you know.

I don't think that the oval hole in front of their church is meant to be a depiction of their God.

 

 

 

 

 

This image to the left appears to be on topic, but hey, I'm out of creative juice. I can't think of anything clever to say about it. Perhaps you can help me out. If you can, then send me an email at darwin@atheists.net. Let me know what I could write here.